The ancient Romans were familiar with the citron and as such they’d have recognised this film for the lemon it is. Why the pressing need for a remake at all? Famed and talented director Ridley Scott really lost the plot on this one—literally. The story is so fake, so predictable, and so uncompelling that the audience around me started looking at their phones about fifteen minutes in. This is never a good sign and a sad indictment on Scott’s remake.
Briefly, this story is set decades later, under the rule of Roman brothers, Caracalla and Geta. Lucius is now all grown-up – but please don’t make me repeat the risible back-story that has lead him to the Colosseum.
Let’s talk about the casting. Two words: “all wrong.” If you’re going to cast a lead where ‘inner rage’ is an essential and endlessly referenced character trait, then find an actor who can channel it onscreen. We are asked to believe that Paul Mescal is the ultimate gladiator – in local Aussie vernacular, yeah..nah! Our Russell (Crowe) was not to be outshone and the best parts of this film are the flashbacks to his original performance. Sad eh? Ultimately, Mescal’s lack of screen presence is the insurmountable elephant in the room.
There are a number of supporting Brits, led by the brilliant Sir Derek Jacobi, who plays Senator Gracchus and yes, the same part as the 2000 version. (Oldsters might also remember his magnificent Caligula back in the day?) Matt Lucas (Little Britain) turns up as a Master of Ceremonies, alongside twin emperors, played by Fred Hechinger and Joseph Quinn. This trio do their utmost to bring every camp, Patrician-Roman cliché to life—and believe me, this is not a compliment.
Connie Nielsen revisits her role as Lucilla, one might describe her performance as expressionless, deadpan or botoxed, take your pick.
Denzel Washington brings two-earrings (and his stardom) to the screen as the villain, Macrinus, but even his character didn’t gel A single laurel goes to, Pedro Pascal as General Marcus-Acacius as the best of a generally bad bunch.
At one point, the audience is asked to believe that a warrior can stand on and manoeuvre a giant CGI rhino like a horse, or that somehow the Colosseum could be filled with killer sharks. In fact, the film is so full of historical gaffes that it would have Marcus Aurelius choking on his pizza. Creative license aside, ChatGPT could have come up with a better script. What was writer David Scarpa thinking? Was he thinking at all?
With a budget of a mere $103 million, you’d expect something worth watching, wouldn’t you?
My rating: A big, fat imperial thumbs down. Go see the original.